


Sunshine and Forgiveness

by lesbianettes



Category: Chicago Med
Genre: Fluff, Forgiveness, Found Family, Gen, M/M, Prayer, everyone is jewish except for Will, holiday fic, it's about the found family and being loved, jewish!Connor, love and support, yom kippur fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-24 19:49:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20913152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianettes/pseuds/lesbianettes
Summary: It's Yom Kippur and, after the year he's had, Connor is ready for forgiveness.





	Sunshine and Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> a couple days early but have an easy and meaningful fast for all Jewish readers this upcoming Yom Kippur.

The sun rose. Piercing light bled through the blinds, cut into Connor’s vision even before he opened his eyes in a command to awaken, even though his alarm was only a few minutes away. He blindly smacked the alarm clock until he knew he had disabled the alarm, that way Will could keep sleeping because he’d managed to get the day off too. It’ll be relaxing for him, Connor knows, to be able to sit around and eat chips and watch TV without worrying as much about everything. He isn’t even on call. Connor is, but he has faith they’d call in Bekker before him. 

He rubs the sleep from his eyes until it doesn’t burn to open them, and the first sight to greet him is that of warm rays cast over Will’s body. They highlight a line of freckles on his nose, push contrast onto the little hickeys across his chest Connor left behind the night before, follow the V on one side of his hip to where the covers are just low enough to reveal the first dustings of hair. He’s beautiful, even in rest, and Connor almost wants to lay in bed with him for hours and kiss him awake. He lets Will rest, though, and gets out of bed carefully so he can get dressed and walk to service. It would be faster to take his car, but the sun brought him into the day, and he wants to stay in it as long as possible because the sun feels like healing. 

Last night, he had laid his outfit out on top of the dresser, complete with socks rolled into a ball. Usually he doesn’t give the time, but it’s a new year, and he wants to begin to live a little more like someone worthy of love. Not that he ever hasn’t been, but he hasn’t always seen himself that way. Connor pulls on his jeans, his shirt, his socks, his shoes. It’s comfortable and unfamiliar, as used to his scrubs as he’s gotten. He should take more time for himself to do things like dress in normal clothes and go for walks in cool morning air. His reflection in the vanity as he pins his kippah to his hair is half alive. In truth, he had nearly lost himself. But he’s going to heal, one way or another. He takes his pills while he remembers, swallows them dry, and before he leaves, he can’t resist bending over the bed to press one lingering kiss to Will’s forehead. He shifts a little in his sleep, but doesn’t wake up.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Connor whispers, and takes care to leave quietly.

The sun outside is warm, but not burning, the perfect temperature for a leisurely walk. It’s one of those days that Connor’s back is giving him a little trouble, but not enough to miss out on this. The exercise is good for him, anyways. A little vitamin D, his heart pumping blood, his chest working. There’s peace in it, and he doesn’t mind the faint pain when he finally arrives at synagogue with the sky above him and free. 

Already, Maggie, Sarah, Jimmy, Natalie, and Owen are there, talking amicably. Maggie and Natalie are close, arms pressing together in a taste of what could be if they weren’t both so afraid of change. And Sarah holds Owen, cooing at him while he bats his hand playfully against the wrap she always wears for special occasions while Jimmy pretends not to be amused. 

“You got a new scarf,” Connor says as he approaches, gesturing toward Sarah. Every time he’s seen her wear one, it’s been one of two she’s seemingly always had- a silvery one with bright thread lacing through it, and one with busy patterns that make him dizzy. But this one is definitely new, a soft peach with white lace-like details that she’s tied intricately. It probably took her a long time, because he’s never seen that style of wrap on her either. “It’s pretty.”

Sarah smiles and pulls the end out of Owen’s tiny fist. “Thanks, Maggie gave it to me.”

“That’s because I’m the only one of us who has taste.”

“I take offense to that,” Jimmy interrupts, gesturing at his collared shirt so pristine he must have ironed it this morning. It’s simple, a soft green to offset his eyes, and complemented by the star hanging down around his collar and the pale white and grey tallit over his shoulders.

“You would.”

Natalie rolls her eyes exaggeratedly, and Connor returns the gesture before they head inside. He watches this small family of his and the way they bounce off each other so easily. Maggie adjusting the way the braid of Natalie’s wrap circles her face, Natalie brushing a stray strand of hair from hers in turn. Jimmy takes Owen from Sarah’s arms long enough for her to pick up the prayer books for them and tell Maggie and Natalie to get a room. If he wanted to, Connor could easily fall into the banter. At this moment, however, he is content to watch and know that there’s still love and hope.

In the beginning, as the hymns rise and fall, Connor can almost feel the stress sinking from his body. He always feels so at home here. Everything else, it can’t hurt him because he is protected and loved and welcomed with open arms, no matter what else has happened to him in the world outside. Here, he is at peace.

The sound and feel of the prayers, and of the words read to him with soothing voices, put him at ease and it’s like his chest is opening up and releasing so much of him that has built up over the course of the year. Ash and dust piling in his lungs frees itself, and when Maggie, Natalie and Jimmy leave for a few moments, he feels their hands on his shoulders and their love in his chest. It’s him and Sarah for a long few moments, Owen in Sarah’s lap, and they pray for the people they’ve lost. Owen probably thinks about applesauce, actually. Or Sarah’s scarf. But Sarah and Connor pray, and they feel, and even more weight abandons Connor. And when others return, they continue to be together and to feel and to pray, and when the blessing comes, Connor is so glad he got out of bed.

They take a break outside, then, during which Connor stretches his irritated back and Natalie gives Owen a sandwich, apple juice, and a banana. Usually Connor is pretty good about keeping back the hunger during fasting, but his stomach gives a formidable growl. His mouth actually waters a little at the smell of peanut butter, which has never happened before.

“This is torture,” he says simply, rolling his shoulders. “I’m baby. I deserve a snack.”

“Do you actually need one?” Natalie asks, opening her purse to reveal a second banana.

“No.”

They all laugh a little, and it feels good to laugh after everything they’ve gone through. They made it to the way the sun beats down on them, making a little sweat bead on the back of Jimmy’s neck and Sarah push the tail of her wrap off her shoulder for a few minutes. Beneath them the grass is lush and fertile, it too having grown and recovered. 

“I’m proud of us,” Connor says. They all fall silent and study him carefully. “This hasn’t been easy, and I’m proud that we made it here.”

“I am too,” Maggie adds. 

She takes one of his hands, and Sarah the other, and just that small contact is life changing for its duration, which lasts until they go back for the afternoon service and the wave of air conditioning. There is more connection, more reading, more community that wraps around Connor like a warm blanket. Some of the things said he has long since taken as a memory in his heart, obvious in the way his lips trace words. 

Come Neilah, he has reached more peace with himself than in the many months the last year has brought. He struggled, and he hurt. He lost his father, he lost patients, he lost Dr. Bekker. He nearly lost Will. So much pain came upon him. But he also remembers the smaller, good moments that had nearly been overshadowed by the rest. He got married last fall, and watched Sarah come into her own as a bright young doctor. He managed to at least somewhat make amends with his father. He started therapy and medication for things that have always hurt. And his pride and joy, the hybrid OR, came to life. Good things happened, even if he struggles to bring them from beneath the shadow of the pain sometimes. And this coming year, he will do everything in his power to make better choices and feel better, feel more worthy of the love that is never as abundant as it is in this moment. He gives himself over, fully and truly, to Adonai and whatever the next year will bring him because he isn’t going to let things happen this time. His own life, his own health, matter just as much as everyone else’s. Connor is done pushing himself past his limits. Everything is going to get better, because he’s going to put in the work to make it so. 

When the prayer is over, and people begin to leave, he feels alive and well, more than he has in a long while. He walked here, but allows Sarah and Jimmy to drive him home because his back is angry with him now, and he’s always a little nervous walking by himself at night. But the stars are still beautiful through the window, and their chatter soothing as they approach home. They’ll get a meal, warm and together, to become themselves again and recognize who they are, and Will is going to be right beside him, holding Connor’s hand under the table and stroking his palm with his thumb. 

Jimmy steadies Connor a little on the way up to the apartment, chastising him for walking all the way to services today when his muscles were sore. Sarah walks behind them, followed by Natalie and Maggie, with Owen sleeping in Maggie’s arms. They’re all tired but fulfilled, and Connor wishes he had thought ahead and cooked yesterday so he wouldn’t have to do it tonight. But as he fumbles for his keys, there’s a smell in the hallway, sweet and warm.

“Did Will light candles or something?” Maggie asks. “He knows we’re  _ all _ coming, right, and not just you?”

Connor shrugs and gets the door open, and promptly blinks away tears. Their formal table is all set up with plates and the blue tablecloth Will said they’d never use. Piled along the center are so many things, most clearly homemade. A handful of lox bagels in not quite round shapes, a coffee cake still in its pan, a plate piled high with challah in dented braids, a bowl of fruit, a stack of latkes accompanied by a thing of applesauce, and about six different bottles of juice.

“I uh,” Will says, where he’s adjusting a fork that has tilted at an angle. “I knew you guys would be tired, so I thought I’d do the cooking. I hope that’s okay. I got like, every kind of juice I could find and there’s a lot of rejects in the trash and-”

“If we weren’t already married, I’d marry you again.”

Laughter like overflowing soda bubbles up, and Connor finds himself wrapped in Will’s arms. His face buried in Will’s neck, his chest struggling to take in normal breaths, he realizes that he just loves him so much, and every day he loves him more, and he’s so glad that Will is here and loves him and does things like this because he cares. 

“I love you so much,” he whispers.

Will kisses the top of his head, holds him until Connor pulls away and goes to the closet for the high chair they use when babysitting Owen.

“So let’s eat, then.”

Dinner is both chaotic and peaceful, a dichotomy Connor never expected to experience in such a distinct way. There’s laughter, jokes, smiles. Natalie pours Maggie’s juice and Jimmy argues with Will about whether or not his button down- a nice one, because Will put forth so much effort tonight- suits his complexion and Sarah criticizes Connor’s choice in latke topping and Owen makes a mess and it’s messy, but it’s theirs. At no other time has Connor felt so at ease. So loved. It crashes over him and he doesn’t realize how overwhelmed he is by the renewal until Will gently cups his face and brushes a tear off his cheek with the pad of his thumb.

“Are you okay?” he asks gently.

Connor nods, can’t help laughing a little because he’s more than okay. He’s happy. “I’m just- I’m so…” he has to take a deep breath because he’s always been an intense cryer, and now that he’s aware, it seems to be wracking his body. “I’m so happy. I love you so much, I love all of you so much, and I’m so happy that we’re all here.”

He falls forward enough to hide his face in Will’s neck again, and he allows himself to cry because he’s earned it, and he can and will heal. After a moment, the chatter falls, and then it’s not just Will’s hands on him, but a careful hand against his shoulder that he knows is Sarah’s. Then the weight of Jimmy’s. The security of Natalie’s. The warmth of Maggie’s. They’re all here, with him, and although many would call his tears weak, this time they prove to him that he is strong and he is not alone.

He is loved.

And for all the pain he has dealt with this year, inside and out, he is forgiven.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I am not Jewish! I did try my best to put research into this + had a lot of help and support from @jimmylanik on tumblr but nonetheless, if something is wrong/bad, don’t hesitate to let me know so I can fix it!
> 
> my tumblr is @beelivia


End file.
